Oathmeal: Tales of Baus and Omelettes
by Zyrorai
Summary: You have to have read the Vows and Honor books to understand it...Parodies of three of the songs in the back of the books. With characters like Tarmato and Kethrot, come r/r!
1. Threes and Food

(Disclaimer: Original, unedited characters are from the books by Mercedes Lackey. But I copyright the parody I'm making of them. The following summary of the main characters comes from the back of the book by Mercedes Lackey, _Oathblood._ I edited it, but give credit in the original formatting to Mercedes Lackey. The following song/poem was originally "Threes." Many parts are still the same, and belong to Mercedes Lackey. The last verse was totally constructed by me, with the theme of Threes.) 

_Oathmeal: Tales of *Baus and Omelettes_

She was **Tarmato**, one of the Sauce'a'in Food-sworn—the most elite of all food protectors. She had called the stuffing-vengeance upon the thieves sent by the evil **Lesmonade** who stole all the Tange'rine clan's sacred food to turn the produce into instant-already-made-processed food. 

And she was **Kethrot**, fleeing her arranged marriage to a cannery manager; she became a powerful sorceress of the White Corn School. Becoming uniquely bound to the geas-stale breadstick, **Knead**, she was bound to save food from becoming processed at canneries. 

Together, they were the **Oathmound**, bound together by the will of the food Goddess and produce-breadstick spell; they swore a blood oath carry out the fight against processed food companies. 

With the help of the kyree, **Warrlmelon**, they sought out to seek justice to abused foods. 

*(a Chinese food pronounced like "bows")

And without further ado, the feature presentation, a tale of Tarmato's, Kethrot's, and Warrlmelon's adventures............... 

_Threes and Food_

  
High in a snowy pass, an inch from wood or glue,   
A troupe of guards comes jumping with a lady and her food.   
Jumping in the center shrouded in her cloak of wares,   
Accompanied by a maiden and a dog with lots of hair.   
Three things see no consumption, what a dog leaves behind,   
The wood of a fallen tree and a banana peel's rinds! 

  
One among the guardsmen has a shifting, restless eye,   
And as they jump he scans the pass that argues with the sky,   
He carries both bread and beef worth more than he can buy,   
And sealed in his baggage is a sacred loaf of rye.   
Of three things be wary, the guardsman on a cat,   
A feather chewing mutton and the shepherd that is fat! 

  
By ambush, wailing thieves charge the train and slap high fives,   
As all but four within the train are taken by surprise.   
All but four are cut down as a biologist cuts a frog,   
The guardsman, and the lady, and the maiden, and the dog!   
Three things hold a mystery, the workings behind a machine,   
The secret of provisioning and what is in a bean! 

  
Then the lady pulls off her cloak, in armor she is clad,   
Her sword is out and ready as she spots the robbers' band.   
The maiden cooks a sausage and the dog jumps out of sleep,   
A wolf, a sword-maiden and sorceress before the thieves can utter a peep!   
Three things never interrupt, or you will not be sane for long,   
The sorceress' spell, one who labels barrels,   
And a child's game of Pong. 

  
The thieves spit a drumstick out and the lady only grins,   
The sorceress bows mockingly and then the fight begins!   
When it ends there are but four left standing from that horde,   
The witch, the wolf, the traitor, and the woman with the sword!   
Three things never trust in, the wine given by a merc,   
The security of a vault, and the where the enemy might lurk. 

  
They strip the traitor naked, and whip him on his way,   
Into the clan of blenders like the food he used to maim,   
They take a thorough vengeance for the food he re-bound,   
And then they mount their butter skids and they journey back to town,   
Three things trust and cherish well, the illusion by which you hide,   
The sense of smell of a wolf and the breadstick at your side! 

  
And in the factory Lesmonade cursed the ill luck blown his way,   
Damn the two women, he cursed them by the day,   
He plotted his revenge on the unknowing pair of mercs,   
And how he died to see the day when they were actually hurt!   
Three things he wanted, the warrior and sorceress down,   
All the food he could want to process and to run the wolf into the ground!  Thanks for reading! Please review and tell me what you think of it! I would really like feedback! 

1. Threes and Food2. The Foodlady, (or that song, That song, ...3. The Lesmonade Version (with Tarmato Comm... Next >

The author would like to thank you for your continued support. Your review has been posted. 

Favorite : Story  Author    Follow : Story  Author 

Login

  * [FanFiction][1]
  * [FictionPress][1]
  * [Google][1]
  * [Facebook][1]
  * [Twitter][1]

Post Review

* * *

Report Abuse Add Story to Community  Go  .  

Share

  * [Google+][2]
  * [Twitter][3]
  * [Tumblr][4]
  * [Facebook][5]

  .  Follow/Favorite

+ Follow 

* * *

Story  Writer 
+ Favorite 

* * *

Story  Writer 

Working... Close Save

   [1]: #
   [2]: https://plus.google.com/share?url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.fanfiction.net%2Fs%2F196740%2F1%2F
   [3]: http://twitter.com/home?status=Reading+story%3A+http%3A%2F%2Fwww.fanfiction.net%2Fs%2F196740%2F1%2F
   [4]: http://www.tumblr.com/share/link?url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.fanfiction.net%2Fs%2F196740%2F1%2F
   [5]: http://www.facebook.com/sharer.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.fanfiction.net%2Fs%2F196740%2F1%2F



	2. The Foodlady, (or that song, That song, ...

[Disclaimer: Original, unedited characters are from the books by Mercedes Lackey. But I copyright the parody I'm making of them. The following summary of the main characters comes from the back of the book by Mercedes Lackey, Oathblood. I edited it, but give credit in the original formatting to Mercedes Lackey. The following story was also, in base written by Mercedes Lackey, which I edited, yadda yadda, you get the point. =)] 

A/N: Thanks for reviewing previous story! So I decided to try and make another parody, hopefully it's better than most sequels. Did I mention that usually my sequels are worse than the original? Well, please R/R! 

_Oathmeal: Tales of *Baus and Omelettes_

She was **Tarmato**, one of the Sauce'a'in Food-sworn—the most elite of all food protectors. She had called the stuffing-vengeance upon the thieves sent by the evil **Lesmonade** who stole all the Tange'rine clan's sacred food to turn the produce into instant-already-made-processed food. 

And she was **Kethrot**, fleeing her arranged marriage to a cannery manager; she became a powerful sorceress of the White Corn School. Becoming uniquely bound to the geas-stale breadstick, **Knead**, she was bound to save food from becoming processed at canneries. 

Together, they were the **Oathmound**, bound together by the will of the food Goddess and produce-breadstick spell; they swore a blood oath carry out the fight against processed food companies. 

With the help of the kyree, **Warrlmelon**, they sought out to seek justice to abused foods. 

*(a Chinese food pronounced like "bows") 

For these are the times of Baus and Omelettes, and next is the saga of how Lesmonade extracted an amount of revenge on Tarmato, by humiliation. So remember, the evil Lesmonade wrote this song to demoralize Tarmato. 

_The Foodlady, (or That Song, That Song, That Song!)_

  
"Foodlady, fearful, no matter the foe,   
Into the canneries you foolishly go—   
Stupidly you ride without map or chart—   
Why are you frightened to slice open a heart? 

  
"Foodlady, lady of meager skill,   
Lady of outcast, of grain and of mills,   
Foodlady, lady of cold food and meal,   
Why will you never understand what is real? 

  
"Foodlady, housekeeper of all wickedness and bore,   
Ignorant in the ways of entertaining lore,   
You fear all beings below or above,   
So no wonder you fight like a single dove. 

  
"Foodlady, cowardly to endure any trial or pain,   
Hiding under blankets, from lightening, from rain,   
Flinching from a beetle, but so high is your pride,   
Why do you insist to play a big lie?" 

  
The minstrel stopped singing as all of the audience applauded. Well, almost all of them, save a certain three in the back corner. 

"Kethrot," said Tarmato, looking up from the inn table. They had just received their dinners when a minstrel came to entertain the other guests. "What in the nine hells was _that_?" 

Kethrot shrugged, while Warrlmelon said, _:Don't you see? Someone made up that song to mock you. Probably Lesmonade, I heard he is actually a Bard as a night-job.:_

"Him?!!? That crazy lunatic? How dare he! I've never been insulted so much in my life, I ought to wring his sorry neck and make him choke on his _own_ processed food for just this!" Tarmato said in an angry whisper. 

"Can't, _she'endra_, Bardic immunity," said Kethrot, toying with her cup, and looking a little amused. 

"Bardic immunity my ass, I'm going to get that minstrel to carry a new tune to Lesmonade," said Tarmato. Getting up and striding over to the minstrel, who was re-tuning his gittern, Tarmato whispered into his ear. The minstrel smiled nodded his head from time to time, and finally Tarmato came back to the table, looking quite pleased with herself. 

"Well? What'd you do?" asked Kethrot, a bit curious at her food-sworn sister's actions. 

"Let's go up to the room, and I'll tell you there," said Tarmato, looking as if she might burst out laughing at any moment. Kethrot got up and followed Tarmato to the inn room. 

_:Now **this** should be interesting,:_ Warrlmelon mused, trotting behind the two women. 

  
And thus Tarmato speaks and fights back: 

  
Fool man, somewhere within you is hid   
The idiot moron who couldn't pry a lid,   
Wait, check that, it doesn't need hiding,   
For the moron is visible and from that mask is no sliding. 

  
Fool man, somewhere in you is an actual brain,   
Who can actually think up of good verses and names,   
For no matter what you think you are,   
You're no more clever than a bar. 

  
Fool man, fool man, will you ever learn?   
Not to try and kill us like a professional nerd?   
But perhaps being a nerd will suit you well,   
For you might even learn to get back up after you fell. 

  
Fool man, of all of the food you have maimed,   
Your foolhardy notions will send you your grave.   
For Kethrot, Tarmato, and Warrlmelon,   
Are certainly not impressed with your frozen gelatin. 

  
"So _that_," said Tarmato, smiling, "should be sufficient payback." 

Kethrot couldn't speak, she was holding the stitch in her side from laughing to hard, while Warrlmelon looked amused, while his mind-speech was over-toned with yellow laughter, _:I should've known you'd do something like that.:_

Tarmato shrugged, but there was laughter in her eyes, "Well, you know what my people say, 'May you get _exactly_ what you deserve.'"    
Thanks for reading! Any suggestions for another parody? I'd be glad to hear them. 

< Prev 1. Threes and Food2. The Foodlady, (or that song, That song, ...3. The Lesmonade Version (with Tarmato Comm... Next >

The author would like to thank you for your continued support. Your review has been posted. 

Favorite : Story  Author    Follow : Story  Author 

Login

  * [FanFiction][1]
  * [FictionPress][1]
  * [Google][1]
  * [Facebook][1]
  * [Twitter][1]

Post Review

* * *

Report Abuse Add Story to Community  Go  .  

Share

  * [Google+][2]
  * [Twitter][3]
  * [Tumblr][4]
  * [Facebook][5]

  .  Follow/Favorite

+ Follow 

* * *

Story  Writer 
+ Favorite 

* * *

Story  Writer 

Working... Close Save

   [1]: #
   [2]: https://plus.google.com/share?url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.fanfiction.net%2Fs%2F196740%2F2%2F
   [3]: http://twitter.com/home?status=Reading+story%3A+http%3A%2F%2Fwww.fanfiction.net%2Fs%2F196740%2F2%2F
   [4]: http://www.tumblr.com/share/link?url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.fanfiction.net%2Fs%2F196740%2F2%2F
   [5]: http://www.facebook.com/sharer.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.fanfiction.net%2Fs%2F196740%2F2%2F



	3. The Lesmonade Version (with Tarmato Comm...

[Disclaimer: Original, unedited characters are from the books by Mercedes Lackey. The following summary of the main characters comes from the back of the book by Mercedes Lackey, Oathblood. I edited it, but give credit in the original formatting to Mercedes Lackey. The following story was also, in base written by Mercedes Lackey, which I edited, yadda yadda, you get the point. =) There are two lines I left unedited because they were good by themselves. I'm getting tired of writing nonsense disclaimers.] 

A/N: Thanks for reviewing previous stories! I'm back with another parody of the Vows and Honor (or should I say Baus and Omelettes?) trilogy. Hopefully this'll live up to my previous standards. If not...err, r/r anyway! =P 

_Oathmeal: Tales of *Baus and Omelettes_

She was **Tarmato**, one of the Sauce'a'in Food-sworn—the most elite of all food protectors. She had called the stuffing-vengeance upon the thieves sent by the evil **Lesmonade** who stole all the Tange'rine clan's sacred food to turn the produce into instant-already-made-processed food. 

And she was **Kethrot**, fleeing her arranged marriage to a cannery manager; she became a powerful sorceress of the White Corn School. Becoming uniquely bound to the geas-stale breadstick, **Knead**, she was bound to save food from becoming processed at canneries. 

Together, they were the **Oathmound**, bound together by the will of the food Goddess and produce-breadstick spell; they swore a blood oath carry out the fight against processed food companies. 

With the help of the kyree, **Warrlmelon**, they sought out to seek justice to abused foods. 

*(a Chinese food pronounced like "bows") 

For these are the times of Baus and Omelettes, and next is an episode in which we learn another of Lesmonade's evil, false, and equally stupid songs. Tarmato doesn't like this one either, unfortunately for the minstrel playing the song. 

_The Lesmonade Version   
(with Tarmato Commentary)_

  
Kethrot, Tarmato, and Warrlmelon entered an inn in which to spend the night on their ride to the Jalapeno's Pepper to interview Icecreamdra the Captain of the Saladjalapenos.   
  
After getting a room, our well-known trio headed down to the main room. A minstrel was the main attraction of this inn, and currently he was fixing the strings on his lute. Tarmato and Kethrot took a seat at the bar, each keeping an ear out for news of both the weather and road conditions.   
  
The minstrel soon began to sing again, and, much to Tarmato's dismay, started to sing _another_ disconcerting song, written by a certain villainous Bard by the name of Lesmonade. Warrlmelon grinned at his foodmate's groan of annoyance.   
  
"The warrior and the sorceress bounced into Vegetable,   
For they had known of the cannery there and sought to seal its soul,   
The lord who owned the factory was a wasteful mule—"   
  
Groaning, Tarmato said, "Bartender, shut that minstrel up, I'm sick of this stupid fool."   
  
Unfortunately for Tarmato, the bartender wasn't around, and probably was in the kitchens.   
  
"The pair of human fighters went looking right and left,"   
  
"That isn't true, I tell you, and this is such a stupid jest!" said Tarmato through gritted teeth. Kethrot gave her a warning glare when she saw Tarmato's hand slide to her belt for her most valued weapon to use against performers, namely Bards: the tomato. Tarmato's hand stopped involuntarily.   
  
"They meant to find the factory boss who'd betrayed his workers' trust,   
And stop his perverted waste of food, which they knew they must.   
  
"They pursued his name throughout Vegetable to stop his misdeeds promptly," the minstrel continued to warble.   
  
"Like Hell! We had just gone to find a place to sleep!" muttered Tarmato under her breath.   
  
"The two found him in the food store, they challenged him to contest."   
  
"We saw the drunk holding up the cashier, making a huge mess," said Kethrot, grinning to Tarmato.   
  
"The boss cursed and yelled at them, to get out of his sight,"   
  
"He tripped on Warrlmelon's tail, then blamed me for that plight," grumbled Tarmato.   
  
"The warrior was too swift; his frozen pies hit only air!"   
  
"He threw, I dove, he flung—and then tripped over a spare," said Tarmato in disgusted remembrance.   
  
"With but a single shot the warrior made him the floor lick!"   
  
Tarmato reached for her tomato pouch again, but Kethrot caught her hand shaking her head slightly. "Around then he was distracted—I got him with a breadstick."   
  
"And in minute the day was saved! The food abuser lay dead!" sung the minstrel; oblivious to the venomous looks Tarmato gave him.   
  
"It wasn't planned for him to hit the front-side counter with his head!"   
  
"The factory that he had ran they shut down, and the slaves were set free,   
And the town of Vegetable happier days did see."   
  
"I found his closest kin, who had the factory closed, I confess—   
'Your husband wasn't much before, but now he's rather less—'" said Tarmato, shaking off Kethrot's hand and grabbing a tomato.   
  
"Out of Vegetable, the partners bounced out with earnest care,   
To find another tyrant and another food slayer—"   
  
_Splat!_   
  
With true aim, Tarmato flung the tomato at the minstrel, and the mostly drunken crowd laughed.   
  
"Don't believe a word of it—I know 'cause I was there!" declared Tarmato to herself and her two companions. She flicked a coin to the server for the mess. Tarmato headed up the stairs with Kethrot and Warrlmelon trailing behind while muttering to herself, "Even I can sing better than that."   
  
Inside their room, Kethrot said to Tarmato while shaking with mixed laughter and dismay, "Tarmato, you really shouldn't do that. Everyone loves that song—"   
  
"I wonder why," muttered Tarmato,   
  
"And it's not the minstrel's fault that you happened to be there. Remember the last time you threw a tomato at a Bard?"   
  
_:I certainly do. We were chased out of the inn, and Kethrot had to retrieve our belongings via sorcery,:_ commented Warrlmelon.   
  
"Those were just stupid people. As my people say, 'That was then, this is now, the moment is never the same twice.'"   
  
_:True. This time we might not be able to get back our things.:_

Thanks for reading! Please tell me what you thought of it! 

< Prev 1. Threes and Food2. The Foodlady, (or that song, That song, ...3. The Lesmonade Version (with Tarmato Comm...

The author would like to thank you for your continued support. Your review has been posted. 

Favorite : Story  Author    Follow : Story  Author 

Login

  * [FanFiction][1]
  * [FictionPress][1]
  * [Google][1]
  * [Facebook][1]
  * [Twitter][1]

Post Review

* * *

Report Abuse Add Story to Community  Go  .  

Share

  * [Google+][2]
  * [Twitter][3]
  * [Tumblr][4]
  * [Facebook][5]

  .  Follow/Favorite

+ Follow 

* * *

Story  Writer 
+ Favorite 

* * *

Story  Writer 

Working... Close Save

   [1]: #
   [2]: https://plus.google.com/share?url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.fanfiction.net%2Fs%2F196740%2F3%2F
   [3]: http://twitter.com/home?status=Reading+story%3A+http%3A%2F%2Fwww.fanfiction.net%2Fs%2F196740%2F3%2F
   [4]: http://www.tumblr.com/share/link?url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.fanfiction.net%2Fs%2F196740%2F3%2F
   [5]: http://www.facebook.com/sharer.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.fanfiction.net%2Fs%2F196740%2F3%2F



End file.
